Mike Bassett: England Manager

Mike Bassett: England Manager

I was flipping stations when I accidentally went to the Hallmark channel, which is usually filled with shows about women in period dress. But I chanced upon a grainy documentary with a fat bloke. He was in a hotel room and the moment I saw it, I flipped to the next channel, as per my surfing habit to skip the Hallmark. But something about it made me want to flip back. Somewhere, somehow, it just happened that the frame I saw had some football moment ensconced within it.

The fat bloke turns out to be just that, a fat bloke. Not a fat guy but a fat bloke. What I mean is like how the English would say it rather than an American or whatever. Anyway, he was on the phone in a hotel room speaking in an English accent.

I was intrigued. I find out that he is Mike Bassett: England Manager. Yea that's the bloody title. So I watch it from middle to finish, as the poor, fat bloke undergoes a torrid time with the press, has his wife leave him, then romantically bring his team to the world cup semis and return a hero.

It was pretty obvious after the first 30 secs that this show was a football farce that could only be appreciated by an elite few. Bassett is a fat, bespectacled man you'd assume would never be England manager. Filmed in psuedo mockumentary style, its one big football joke charting the progress of Bassett's rise from the lower leagues to becoming England manager. Actually, the old manager had a heart attack and the FA couldn't find anyone else. I found that out by checking out a few reviews online. Most of them were scathing, giving the show typically 2 out of 5 stars. Like I suggested before, you'd have to be a football nut and an English football nut to be able to like this show.

*Cue confetti filled entrance* Yes that'd be me.

I start watching when they only managed a draw against Egypt and up next are Mexico. Bassett starts with a wimpy motivational training, where they don't even have footballs available. He starts on the 3-1-2-1-2-1 formation. They lose 4-0 with Bassett delivering a cliched halftime team talk, full of Ferguson-esque object throwing, fist waving and shouting/swearing. They get blasted by the press, no one thinks they'll beat the old enemy in the last group game.

Scenes of various flashbacks between England and Argentina are played. Owen's '98 spectacle! Beckham's reaction and red card! Batty's penalty miss, Maradona's '86 spectacle, Maradona's '86 "Hand of God" goal in the same match... This was setting the stage for the titanic struggle England had on their hands.

In dramatic fashion, the England team's talisman goes on in the last 5 mins, waltzing past a coupla Argentines, then drilling a shot onto the woodwork, before punching the ball into the back of the net for the winner. This was just pure English football nut comedy. Its like the reason why I play Football Manager. So I can make up my own Roy of the Rovers style stories. 3 cheers for niche films!

"We will beat the Mexico!" - Mike Bassett